An occasional outlet for my thoughts on life, technology, motorcycles, backpacking, kayaking, skydiving...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Entire nation enjoys beautiful weather as God celebrates the election of his spawn

This is an onion-style article that I thought up.

In an unprecedented meteorological anomaly the entire continental United States of America unanimously enjoyed beautiful weather on November 5th. They say "you can't please everyone," but that is exactly what Yahweh pulled off for this post election celebration. The descended man-child President Elect and his surroundings enjoyed a moderate 72 degrees which is, not so coincidentally, the exact temperature that Barack sets the thermostat to in his home. In Georgia they got that "warm in the sun, but cool when the breeze whips" weather that they love. "I know they could use some rain, but let's face it, they can't drive in the stuff", remarked the Lord, "I just didn't feel like killing anyone with stupid traffic accidents." The ski resorts in the Mid-West got the snow they'd been praying for, in an amazing show of Grace upon the red states who did little to embrace the inevitable. "It's not like I couldn't target the snow just on Colorado, right?", he joked, "I'm just not like that anymore, and I haven't been for thousands of years." America has taken to the streets to enjoy this amazing gift from God. Both gifts actually. "I gave Noah a really cool rainbow, but those are pretty gay by today's standards", remarked the deity. He declined to comment on why Alaska was omitted in this gesture of good fortune. Asked about the abortion issue, God said he was "tired of single-issue politics", explained that you could be pro-life and pro-Obama, and then pretended that he was getting an important call.

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Believe it or not, I've never been to jail. Not even for a night. I quit going to bars by the time my fake ID was unnecessary, and I quit hacking into businesses and governments once they started paying me.

Now I just provide for my family and try not to notice politics. I get too angry when I watch how much of my income is taken from me, how it is used, and who is doing it. For the same reason, I can't bear to acknowledge celebrities.

After high school, I went to U of K but the outdated computer engineering curriculum and the seemingly endless amounts of money to be made with my internet specific skills drew me to larger tech markets. I have worked in Silicon Valley, New York City, and have settled in Atlanta.